What IS under Ianto's suit?
by x-juicy-lucy-x
Summary: Non-canon fic set around s2 ep8 ish. The rift is playing up and Captain John is back. Some m/m stuff. Various pairings but mostly Jack/Ianto. It's sort of a Crackfick... please R&R. Rating cos I'm unsure. Bit of angst, but some fluff.


Disclaimer:- I Don't own any of the characters except Angus, and anyone can have him. The rest belong to RTD. I'm not intending to insult any Scottish people here, and I'm sure you can all take a joke anyway! Sorry if it's supremely bad, or I've rated it too high. I am a complete newbie. Please R&R, I'll accept Flames because i probably deserve them. Enjoy xx

Jack was worried. Not because the rift monitor was flashing warning signals containing swearwords from a multitude of different alien languages, not because Myfanwy had just finished eating his entire supply of mars bars (damn and he'd thought he'd hidden them so well this time), not even because of the foot high pile of 'URGENT' paperwork he had been presented with that morning. No, Jack was worried because Ianto had been in the hub for 3 hours so far today, and he hadn't even been offered one cup of coffee. He was practically getting the shakes from caffeine withdrawal, sitting on the edge of his seat, and was about to start absently biting his nails when a high-pitched squeal of admonishment pierced his daze from the door of his office.

"JACK!! Are you going to do something about the bloody rift manipulator or not? Because it's telling Tosh it's going to explode in 17 seconds. Call me crazy but I don't think you sitting there contemplating Ianto's rear end is going to help AT ALL!" Jack's eyebrows rocketed in protest.

"I wasn't contemplating his 'rear end', I was..." He trailed off, almost actually frightened by the livid look on Gwen's face. "All you have to do is turn the safety valve a little to release some of the pressure," he grinned in that insanely annoying, but impossible to remain angry with way he had. Hauling himself out of his chair (with great difficulty, you know, due to the lack of coffee) he padded across the hub to the rift manipulator, which was veritably shaking with the intense volume of rift stuff it was... well... it was... doing whatever it does with that stuff...with... "Like this." He turned a small valve half a turn clockwise and the manipulator sighed softly and stopped shaking.

"That simple?" Gwen asked, as though she hadn't yet gotten used to how screwed up things at Torchwood were.

"Almost... it releases a bit of rift energy into the atmosphere. Be on the look out for temporal shifts, and Weevils. I know Janet goes crazy for a whiff of rift juice." He winked suggestively at Tosh, who smirked and went back to her many, many screens, as though the hub almost blew up every day of the week, which, all things considered, it usually did. "You might want to take Martha out in the SUV and see if any have surfaced. I don't really want to have to fill out a load of reports about Weevil attacks."

A disgruntled snort came from somewhere behind him, and Jack turned to see a rather incredulous looking Ianto.

"I'm sorry, sir; did you just say that _you _don't want to have to fill out a load of reports? I can't remember the last time you did that yourself." He smirked, "Next you'll be complaining about filing them all and archiving the evidence, I'm sure." He raised an eyebrow in that cute inquiring but challenging way he did, and Jack barely resisted the urge to chuck his cheeks and give him a cuddle.

"Yeah, yeah okay. You win, Ianto is amazing. I would be completely lost without you. Now, any chance I can have a coffee pleeeeeeeease?" He purred, attempting a sort of self confident but also begging expression. What resulted was a sort of pout which made him look like he had wind. Ianto chuckled.

"Yes, sir. It's already on your desk." Looking through the glass front of his office, Jack could indeed see a steaming mug of what looked like moccacino. He marvelled. How on earth did Ianto do these things? He'd only been out here for about a minute and yet... He was going to have to retrace this on CCTV later... The man was just... impossible. He strolled back up to his office, and was just about to take a sip of what promised to be truly orgasmic coffee when,

"Jack, there's been a massive fluctuation in the rift in the middle of town. Apparently in... the lingerie section of Marks and Spencer's." Tosh shouted up to him. "Pulling up the CCTV footage now." Now this, he had to see. Reluctantly abandoning his coffee, Jack made his way to Tosh's console and almost bent double with laughter. Amid the screaming salesgirls and terrified customers stood Captain John Hart, his arms out, eyes wide, wearing what appeared to be his own lingerie. Jack was pretty sure Marks and Sparks didn't stock PVC corsets or 'fuck me' boots in quite the fashion John was parading. He was brought back to earth, amid the snorts of laughter from Gwen and Tosh, and inane giggling from Ianto, when he saw the buffon appear.

Now, a buffon, as the name would suggest, is a cross between a buffalo and a dragon. After dragons had been rediscovered in 3140, some sicko had decided to cross breed them with every animal under several suns. Naturally, some didn't take. No matter what they say in Shrek, when dragons and donkeys get cosy, the result is _not _cute and fuzzy. The donkey usually dies... Some breeds however, did work. The sweet and cuddly rabbon (a cross with a rabbit) was a favourite pet, even in Jack's own time. When he had been small, he'd had a pet rabbon called Pinky, as it was pink... but that was another story for another day. Other crossbreeds included the drale (half dragon half whale and fortunately vegetarian), the drafish (I'd hope that's obvious), and of course, the buffon. Of them all, the buffon was probably the worst. To begin with, it was _BIG_. I mean, 7 foot high at its withers and weighing at least a tonne. It was hairy at the face and neck, and scaled elsewhere, with a general buffalo shape, but claws instead of hooves, wings spanning about 20 feet, and a tail with spikes that could disembowel a person with minimal effort. This particular specimen was a fetching shade of Barbie pink, and was chasing Captain John like he'd just caught him shagging the missus. Hilarious though it would be to watch his ex-lover barbequed then consumed by an angry beastie in any other circumstances, Jack felt that Cardiff Marks and Spencer's weren't quite ready for it just yet. Boy was he gonna need a lot of retcon or a supreme cover story.

"Gwen, call Torchwood 2, they specialise in these kinds of creatures, tell them to get Angus Harper down here asap. Tosh, check the rift patterns; if something that big came through then it might be fracturing all over again. Ianto, Martha, with me." He set off to the SUV with a mind to get over there as fast as possible. As they were pulling out of the garage, Tosh chirped in his comm. system.

"Jack, there are serious problems with the rift. The manipulator can't hold it anymore, it's going to break open and there's nothing we can do. Gwen's got hold of Torchwood 2 and this Angus guy is on his way as we speak. Want me to get UNIT in on this?"

"No need Tosh, calm down and hold the fort. What we need right now is the Doctor. He'll turn up eventually, he always does. When Angus gets there, get Gwen to escort him to the city centre, we'll hold off the Buffon until he arrives with the right tech." As he navigated the city streets at what could only be described as break neck speed, Jack groaned inwardly; he'd been so damn close to that perfect coffee. Trust John to mess it up for him, selfish bastard, even if he did look good in PVC undergarments. Pulling up outside the shopping centre with an impressive squeal of brakes and an even more impressive skid, Jack touched his comm. again, linking to Tosh's earpiece. "Tosh, if you could pull up CCTV of the building and guide us to the action, it would make this a hell of a lot easier."

"I'm on it Jack. You can find your way to M&S though right?"

"I can find my way to S&M Tosh; I'll just have to reverse the route." Jack grinned at the sigh Ianto emitted and they all jumped out of the SUV, grabbing guns as they went.

"Jack, you're seriously too sexed up." Martha observed, "You need to find somewhere to offload..." She grinned at Ianto, who rolled his eyes and set off into the building at a run. The others followed, and it seemed that Ianto, at least, knew where the store was. Well, he knew everything didn't he?

"Okay, Jack, Ianto, Martha," Tosh's voice bubbled through the comms, "It's on the second floor now, apparently headed for the restaurant area."

"Maybe it fancies chips?" Jack responded. "Where are the nearest stairs?"

"Take a left in 200 yards and they're on the right as you enter the shop. Next to the swim-wear."

"Thanks Tosh. Let us know if anything changes." Jack pulled his beautiful, shiny 1940s revolver out of its holster and signalled that the others should make ready too. They burst into the shop in true Torchwood fashion, Ianto going right and securing the staircase, Jack facing straight ahead to scan the shop floor, and Martha looking left to make sure there were no surprises. In this formation they made their way up the 4 flights of stairs to the second floor, where general crashing noises and the occasional scream of terror or roar of fury could be heard. Crashing through the door they came face to face with...well... chaos. Piles of smouldering pants acted as beacons directing them towards the far side of the room, where the buffon had Captain John almost cornered. Avoiding laughter where possible, Jack motioned for the trio to split up and begin a game of distraction. First, Jack waved and yelled insults at the poor beast, causing it to lurch with frightening speed towards him, although he himself would later claim that it was his 'animal magnetism' that did it. Then Martha threw a few slightly charred clothes hangers, hitting it on the head and causing it to spin in her direction. Finally, Ianto blew a massive raspberry at it, which got it firmly confused, (I mean, you would be, wouldn't you. Ianto... prim and proper Ianto... blowing raspberries?? What is the world coming to?) causing it to spin on the spot for some time before tangling its legs and falling over in a heap. Finally deciding it had had enough, it rose on its wings and sent a sizeable blast of fire Jack's way, roasting him to death.

Coming back to life, Jack noticed that someone was giving him CPR. Man he hoped it was Ianto, which was unlikely as he'd seen him die enough times, and there was his voice in the background telling whoever was breathing for Jack not to bother. Maybe Martha... now that was an appealing image. Unable to resist the urge, Jack took advantage of the unfortunate medic and slipped his tongue into their mouth. The yell of disgust and the sudden withdrawal, plus the mixed smell of an unknown man's cologne and sweat reaching his nostrils made Jack think he had unfortunately jumped the gun a little. Gasping as he sat up, he blinked to see the disgusted face of... OWEN?? Oh, wait, no... it was the Torchwood 2 operative, Angus Harper, Owen's cousin, who was looking at him like he was about to retch.

"Och Iantoo, do ye have some moothwash I can use laddy?" Angus rubbed pointlessly at his mouth as though to extinguish the essence du Jack which lingered there.

Once it had been established that whilst Jack had been dead, Angus had arrived and dealt with the buffon accordingly, and everyone had been introduced, and marvelled at how much like Owen Angus looked, they headed back to the hub. As they climbed into the SUV, Jack patched himself through to Tosh's Comm.

"Tosh, how's the manipulator holding out? Any sign of the Doctor yet?" It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn't seen Owen all day. "And will you call Owen and tell him haul his snarky ass to the hub right away? Being dead is no excuse for not turning up in the morning."

"I hardly think Owen is anywhere near the top of our list of worries, Jack. I'll call him anyway. The rift manipulator is shaking so badly it looks like... _a screwed up vibrator, she thought to herself, choosing instead to say_... it's going to explode any second. There's no sign of the Doctor, but Angus' girlfriend seems to know him, and she says he'll be here 'in time'. She's currently... erm... oh shit!" Tosh's comm. cut off.

"I'll take that as a 'she's touching something she shouldn't be, then." Jack sighed to no-one in particular. "Angus, since when did you have a girlfriend, and how the hell does she know the Doctor?" Jack eyed the Torchwood 2 operative in the rear-view mirror.

"Ahh, weelll ye see, Rose used to travel with him a bit. She's a lovely lass, but she's a wee bit obsessed with him. Ye know, Jack, I think she might know you too, come te think o' it. Ye don't happen to like Glen Miller do ye?"

Jack was quite thankful he'd allowed Ianto to drive them back, because they'd have just crashed quite severely if it had been him.

"Rose! Rose Tyler?" He demanded, mouth hanging open. "Your girlfriend is Rose Tyler?"

"Aye. I knew she was talkin aboot you as soon as she mentioned the ego. That an yer biceps."

"Rose! Rose is in the hub?" Suddenly, Jack felt that the world ending wasn't so bad, at least it meant he got to see Rose again. He grinned like a small child all the way back to the hub, babbling excitedly about their previous adventures, and how amazing Rose was.

"Jesus. Eye Candy, I just don't know how you can concentrate on driving whilst he does that." John smirked from the back seat, where he was extensively chained, and still wearing his PVC number, making him look like Torchwood's new sex slave. "I mean, what, is he in love with this chick? Or has he just become clinically insane since I last saw you?" He watched Ianto's shoulders stiffen, and smirked. His comment had had the desired effect. Ianto was going to get all jealous and arsy, then argue with Jack, who would, naturally, turn to his beautiful, sexy, amazing ex lover for comfort. Then, he could persuade Jack to leave them all and come travelling again. He smirked to himself as they pulled into the garage, and Martha manhandled him into a cell.

"Don't know what you've got to smile about." she said pointedly, locking the door. "You look like a rocky horror picture show gone wrong." Turning on her heel, she marched up the stairs into the main hub area, where she was greeted by shrieks of girly delight (coming from Jack) and the sight of a stunning blonde being swept into a bear hug by the Captain.

"You look gorgeous! Twirl for me!" He let go of her long enough to run an appraising eye over her curves, pausing to contemplate her exquisite behind, before crushing her to him again.

"Alright, easy Tiger, you're gonna suffocate me." The girl giggled as she wriggled out of his grip, grinning almost as inanely as he was. "Not gonna introduce me?" She teased.

"Oh. Yeah... Umm, everyone, this is Rose Tyler. My favourite person ever to fall from the sky on a barrage balloon. Rose, this is Gwen Cooper, my second in command, Toshiko Sato, Torchwood's tech. expert, the one just coming through the door looking sorry for himself is Owen Harper, our doctor, Martha Jones, the gorgeous one just climbing the stairs has travelled with the doctor too, and now she works for Unit." He smiled, and dragged her off towards his office to catch up. As she left, she glanced at Angus, catching up with his cousin, and then her eyes brushed over the young one in the suit. Jack hadn't introduced him. He looked put out, sighed, then headed through a glass door into what looked like a kitchenette, and started to fiddle half-heartedly with a massive coffee machine. Before she had time to ask who he was, Jack launched into questioning. Where had she been? How had she managed to get back? She was sure she answered, but her mind was still on the boy. He'd looked so dejected, and he was so cute!

Ianto bit back the jealousy and hurt, and began diligently making coffee. It happened often; Jack would introduce the team and forget him. Usually, he would just shrug it off, since it was done in such a way that it seemed that Jack assumed everyone already knew who Ianto was. After all, who wouldn't know about his gorgeous Ianto already? This time, however, Ianto was upset. Jack was obviously infatuated with this beautiful blonde, who, he knew from his private research, had spent time on the TARDIS with him. He didn't seem to be important enough in Jack's mind to be mentioned. Sighing, he put the coffee mugs on the tray, and set off into the hub, dumping coffee and aspirin on Owen's desk, he forced his face into what he hoped was a convincing smile before handing Gwen her coffee.

"Thanks Ianto." she smiled sweetly. "You couldn't grab me another for Rhys could you? He's supposed to be popping in in a second."

"Sure thing Gwen. He's milk one sugar right?" She nodded and grinned. Ianto made his way over to Tosh, passing her a strong, black tea. "Anything on the rift? I think Jack's so wrapped up in his new toy he's forgotten we're close to exploding."

"I think that the blue box that just materialised on the Plas must be the Doctor. Which means it'll be fine. Right?" She turned to look at him and frowned. "Ianto, you can talk to me you know. If you're upset..." Cursing mentally for his inability to fool Tosh, Ianto forced another quick smile.

"I'm fine. Just tired I suppose." He sighed, inwardly. "I'll go up to the tourist office and collect the Doctor then, shall I?" Not waiting for a response, he strode off to catch the lift up to his own private space, leaving the coffee with Tosh, who finished distributing it.

Martha watched Ianto with little passion. It seemed he was feeling even more downcast than her. She couldn't blame him; at least she'd been introduced to Rose. Still, it was difficult being reminded of the gorgeous girl she had replaced on the TARDIS. She swallowed her jealousy, and curiosity overcame her. She tapped on the door of Jack's office, and he waved her in.

"Now this could be interesting. We can all swap time stories and gossip about the Doctor." Jack smiled warmly, clearly overjoyed to be surrounded by all these people from his past.

"Hmmm. Rose Tyler, you're sort of, well, legendary really. And you really are blonde. I thought that was just a dig at me, Jack."

"Would I lie to you?" Jack grinned.

"Yes!" The girls answered simultaneously, looked at each other, shocked, then burst into giggles.

"Does the Doctor still have those glasses which he puts on to make him look clever?" Rose questioned.

"Yes, and he still doesn't need them!" Martha grinned. "Has he always sung snippets of the Lion King, out of tune, and substituted the words for whatever pops into his head at the time?"

"Yes!" They both giggled. "God, he's so... Special." Just as they were about to descend into proper girly gossip, the prospect of which Jack was relishing, there was a cough from the direction of the door. The three jumped, and stared at the intrusion, looking every bit like guilty conspirators.

"Yes, Ianto?" Jack asked. Ah, so that was his name, Rose mused. Cute boy, cute name, cute suit...

"Visitor for you, Sir," Ianto said in clipped tones. "Shall I bring up Coffee?" Suddenly, Jack was reminded that he hadn't had any all day. His shock at that realisation made him miss the hurt glance Ianto threw at him when he replied, "Yes, thanks." Dreaming of caffeine, Jack barely noticed Ianto stalk off to be replaced by the vibrant presence, sparkling eyes, and slightly dishevelled appearance of the Doctor. Blinking, he jumped out of his chair, just as Martha and Rose did the same.

"Doctor!" they cried in unison. Jack being the fastest, he was the first to him, clamped in a choking hug.

"Jack, good to see you. Nice base." he grinned, eyes twinkling again.

"You think that's good, wait 'til you see the pterodactyl." Jack winked.

"PTERODACTYL!?" The Doctor exclaimed, delighted. "I hope that's not an innuendo, Jack, because I haven't seen one of those in yeeears. Oh wow. Pterodactyl." He got that wistful, far off look, until he was snapped out of it by Martha.

"Don't want to spoil your prehistoric fantasies, but, I want a hug!" She pouted, throwing herself into his arms. "How've you been? Where have you been?" He laughed that infectious laughter that got them all giggling.

"I've been fine thanks. Few scrapes, one particularly spectacular one involving a meteor shower and herd of charging minestrai... lucky I had my banana really..." He trailed off as he looked over Martha's shoulder, into the sparkling, blue, tear-filled eyes of Rose. "Rose Tyler." He blinked, letting go of Martha. "Now, that. That is better than any Pterodactyl..." Laughing, she jumped at him, and he lifted her off the ground in what can only be described as an epic hug, spinning her as he did so. "Knew you'd find a way back. Didn't want to pin my hopes on it though. How've you been? Did Jackie have that baby? 'Spect you came through the corresponding rift in the alternate Cardiff with the help of the alternate Torchwood eh?" he nodded to himself, not needing an answer. "Anyway, cuddles later. First, Jack, what's this your extremely efficient and wonderful erm... secretary? I use that word with caution because I suspect that he spends more time supervising you, or at least keeping you in check... anyway, what's this Ianto's been telling me about the rift bursting and Torchwood blowing up?" The Doctor gave a mock disapproving look at Jack, who grinned from ear to ear.

"The rift's blowing up. There's too much residual energy trying to force its way through at once. Nothing we can do to stop it, except filter it into the engines of the TARDIS so that it doesn't explode." He replied, still grinning like a cross between a Cheshire cat and a patient on a psychiatric ward. "Anyway, I resent the implication that I need supervision. Ianto... looks after me. He... yeah, Ok, he supervises me." He grinned sheepishly. "But he does it so well... And he's so damn hot. Look at him!" He pointed through the window to where Ianto could be seen leaning over Owen's desk, putting various pieces of medical equipment in their rightful places, and sorting paperwork into piles. His jacket rode up as he leant forward enough that the four in the office could see his bum, which was very well framed by his expensive suit trousers, the ones which were just tight enough to drive Jack crazy, without being restricting. Ianto, who had been unaware of the attention he was receiving, straightened suddenly, feeling eyes on him. He turned to look directly at the office, and the others blushed and looked away.

"Quite." The Doctor mumbled, clearing his throat. "Well then, explosions to avert, TARDIS to refuel. Let's get to it. Jack, you'll need to fiddle the Rift Manipulator; I assume that's what that cumbersome and frankly primitive piece of equipment in the middle of your base is. Anyway, manipulate your manipulator... hehe manipulate the manipulator...that's a good one... oh, just make it compatible with the TARDIS. Here, you'll need this." He chucked Jack the sonic screwdriver. "Setting 193, 22 seconds. I'll be wanting that back when you're done so don't let your tech expert get her grubby little mitts on it! I've seen the way she eyes up your wristband, and that's not even interesting compared to what my screwdriver can do..."

"Yeah, yeah." Jack grinned, "Keep plugging the sonic screwdriver and the bananas. You want some real kit, Doctor. You should check out our archives." The Doctor threw him a look, and he bounded off towards the centre of the hub to play with his new and exciting toy. The Doctor left Martha and Rose to get to know each other, and headed back to the TARDIS to open the engines ready for the influx of energy.

As Jack opened a panel on the machinery in front of him, his thoughts drifted to Ianto. He was definitely storing away the image of the young man bent over a desk for later use. Although, he might consider removing Ianto's trousers before recreating the setting. He found himself softly singing Maroon 5 as he worked. Ianto sometimes sang whilst he was in the archives, and Jack had once heard him singing Maroon 5 and thought that the band, the songs, and their lyrics were perfectly suited to Ianto. So sexy, but at the same time, so sweet. He was so busy singing that he didn't notice the younger man walking up behind him.

"_Pushing forward and arching back, bring me closer to heart attack," _He sang, until he was interrupted.

"You know, Sir, when you're having sexual daydreams, you really shouldn't commentate on them out loud." Ianto's voice whispered softly in his ear. Without turning around, Jack could see the self satisfied smirk on Ianto's face. Damn, he was sure he'd just involuntarily shuddered too. Where had his self control gone? Ianto was slowly eroding it. Resisting the urge to pounce, Jack simply grinned as he turned round. Yes, he had been right, the smirk was there. And the cute eyebrow quirk was back too. "Sorry, did I... disturb you?"

"Well, yes, but if you like, we could carry on where my daydream left off?" Jack tried playfully, watching the Welshman squirm. He knew Ianto was still uncomfortable with public displays of their... was it a relationship? Well, Jack supposed it was. They were going to go on a date soon. Well, as soon as they got the time. As Ianto blushed, he laughed. "Actually, I was fantasising about a cup of coffee. I'd like it hot, please. And fast." He winked as Ianto swallowed and cleared his throat.

"Yes sir." He said a bit too quickly and then practically ran away. Jack smirked to himself, returning to work. He'd triumphed again. Now Ianto was going to have to go have a cold shower or something. Finishing exposing the core of the machine, he did as the Doctor said and directed the pretty blue light at the end of the screwdriver into the very centre of the column. Pulling Ianto's stopwatch out of his coat pocket, he timed 22 seconds, then released the button, and replaced the panel. He turned to find a steaming mug of coffee, and the outstretched arm of a flustered Ianto Jones.

"Umm... isn't that my stopwatch?" He asked cautiously, and then nodded as Jack handed it over and took the coffee.

"Yup. Your face is red. That can't just be due to my innuendo, it never affects you externally... apart from in the region of your trousers." He winked again and Ianto managed a small smile. "What's going on?"

"Umm... there's a small problem. Angus forgot to tell us something about the carcass of the buffon. It contains certain compounds which disperse into the air, making those who breathe it in reveal their innermost feelings and desires freely." He paused and ran a hand through his hair. "That wouldn't be a problem except for that Tosh told Owen she loves him, Owen informed her that he loves her too, and they're now involved in a rutting session on the autopsy table, on top of the buffon corpse..." Jack laughed.

"That's got you worried? For starters, Owen's dead, it's not like he can actually _do _anything. Secondly, Tosh is fine because this time the object of her affections can't die..."

"That's not the worst of it sir. The Compound's gotten into the air filtration system and dispersed around the hub. It turns out Martha has a fetish for guys in PVC. She was in the cells interrogating Captain John, and now they're going at it like rabbits too. Erm, actually, it's quite hot, if you want me to record the CCTV... Anyway, the Doctor came back in and now he and Rose are engaged in a non-sexual love fest. If I have to hear the words 'no, I love you more' one more time, I might finish what the Daleks couldn't. Gwen ran off saying that she has to tell Rhys how much she loves him, and Angus is coming on to Janet, who has suddenly become fluent in Spanish and is demanding that she gets some rights around here. Myfanwy has completely disappeared, but left an excellently crafted note on Tosh's computer explaining that she's got a craving for twiglets and she's gone to the co-op. And... that leaves you and me..." As he had been explaining, a sort of serene expression had passed over the Captain's face, and Ianto thought, _oh God no, it's affecting him too. Ooh, what's that strange smell? Mmm it's nice... mmm, Jack's nice._

"Ianto Jones. I love you." Jack blurted, before crushing him into a fiercely passionate kiss, his tongue and hands finding places Ianto hadn't even realised existed. Ianto wasn't complaining, but eventually, as they broke apart for air, rational thought kicked in.

"Jack, I love you too, but we can do this later. We've got to sort out the air supply and get everyone back to normal." Jack groaned.

"But I have a reeeally strong desire to pour this coffee over your naked torso then lick it off." He pouted. Suddenly, Ianto realised he wasn't feeling any different. He certainly wasn't uncontrollably acting out his innermost desire. He frowned, and lightly punched Jack on the arm.

"You complete scumbag!" He growled, "You were going to use the compound as an excuse for sex during working hours! It's not even reached us here..." Jack grinned.

"Worth a try. I never pretended I was chivalrous. If you insist on ruining everyone else's fun, you can go lock down the autopsy bay whilst I cleanse the system of this amazing compound, which so removes all of your silly twentieth century inhibitions." _I'm bottling it and using it on you sometime,_ he thought to himself. "You forget, it won't affect me, because I already act out my desires on the spot." Ianto had to admit he had a point, but if he was reading the look on Jack's face correctly, he'd have to be careful with the cologne he was surely going to receive for his birthday.

"I'll find some way of containing it at the source, but the air filtration system will just filter it out of the hub, then the general public will be going crazy. You'll have to concentrate it in one area then quarantine it." He mused out loud. Jack nodded.

"Good plan. Let's get to it, before John wears Martha out..." catching sight of a nearby screen, on which Ianto had pulled up CCTV footage of the two in the cell, his eyebrows shot upwards and he added, "Although actually, it looks like things might be happening the other way round..."

Sighing, Ianto left before he had to put up with more, and began cleaning up another Torchwood mess. Much later, when everything was sorted and calm, and he was sitting alone with a cup of coffee (the perfect date) he mused that Jack had been willing to pretend to love him just to get into his pants. That hurt. Did Jack really enjoy trampling on his feelings? He sighed again, finding he was doing that a lot today, and took another sip of his coffee. It didn't help, and he felt himself becoming more upset. His shoulders drooping, he took another sip and allowed a single tear to work its way down his face. It was just about to drop from his chin, when it was caught on a slightly calloused fingertip, and held up to a pair of intense blue eyes for inspection.

"Surely Owen's coffee isn't that bad... Is it?" Jack looked concerned, cupping Ianto's cheek and using his thumb to smooth away the trail the tear had left. Ianto made a small noise which was supposed to be a scoff but came out as a strangled squeak, and was followed by more tears. The harder he tried to stop them, the faster they came, coursing channels hot and wet down his face. He sobbed, and tried to push Jack away, to no avail. The older man drew him close, a hand drifting to the back of his neck, and playing with his hair, whilst the other rubbed soft, comforting circles on the small of his back. In any other situation, Ianto thought, as he buried his head in Jack's chest, he would have been turned on by the fact that his boss was standing between his legs as he sat on the table. Instead, he just sobbed louder and fisted his hands in the front of Jack's shirt. "Hey, hey, hey." Jack cooed softly, bending slightly to kiss Ianto's forehead. "What's this about? Shush, Ianto, shush." He began to whisper, his face close to Ianto's ear. "Shhhhh, baby." Ianto's sobbing slowly subsided, although the tears continued to fall, and he rested against Jack's chest, panting. "Now, tell me what's wrong?" Jack coaxed softly.

"You are." Ianto would have pushed Jack away, but he didn't have the energy anymore. "What is wrong with you? I mean, are you blind and stupid and... Oh you make me so mad." He pulled back to look Jack in the eye. "You're so damn insensitive. You don't care how I feel; it's all about your own fucking gratification. Well let me tell you, Jack Harkness..." He was cut off by Jack's mouth against his own. Not forceful or lusty, just a soft, chaste kiss intended to calm him. He blinked, and looked away. "I'm not having it." He sighed softly. "You're either with me or you aren't. I can't stand watching you all over every beautiful person that comes walking within 100 yards of the hub. I can't stand not meaning anything to you when you mean everything to me. I feel like Owen's right, like I'm some part time shag you're going to dump when you're bored or when someone more... flexible comes along." He spat the last sentence, attempting to wriggle away, but Jack simply held him, putting a hand to Ianto's face, forcing him to meet his gaze. Ianto noted that he looked hurt, and guilty, and maybe even upset.

"I thought you knew me better, Ianto." He sighed, lightly stroking his cheek. "I thought you knew how much you mean to me. Thought you understood how I work. Sure, I flirt with people. I appreciate their beauty. I may even have overstepped the mark a few times, like with the real Jack Harkness, but I always come back to you." He blinked, and Ianto could see genuine tears forming in his eyes. For a moment, his mouth worked silently, trying to say something he couldn't get out, then he shook his head. "Even when I went with the Doctor, thinking I wouldn't come back, even when he offered to let me travel with him some more, I turned him down. I came back for you. I..." He choked on his words. "There are some things about my time away that I'll never tell you, and I know that you of all people will respect that decision, but I will tell you this. I was tortured, and killed, and held captive for a long time. Longer than the time-span you've been missing me for. I was in constant physical and mental pain, and the only thing. The _only_ thing that kept me sane was the thought of coming back here, and asking you out on that date. The thought of you saying yes. The thought of having you in my arms again. I..." he paused again, possibly, Ianto thought, for dramatic effect. Leaning forward, he leant his forehead against Ianto's, looked deep into his eyes, and whispered, his lips brushing the younger man's, "I think I love you. I think I really do. And you have to understand that for me, that is a big thing. I'm pretty well renowned where I come from as a heartless prick tease. People don't think I know what love is. Hell, I'm not sure I know what love is, but I'm feeling something here that I've never felt before, and it scares me like hell, but I don't want it to end. I think I love you." He left it there, as Ianto kissed him sweetly and smiled.

"You're babbling, sir." He smirked, before pulling Jack into a fierce hug, breathing in the scent of his hair, which, Ianto decided, needed washing. Pulling back, his smile broadened and turned into a wicked grin. Through the glass, the others could be seen playing a giant game of twister. The doctor was clearly winning, and the others were trying to squash him into submission. Ianto wondered if there was anything that ... man?... wasn't good at. Pushing Jack aside, he stood and walked forward a few steps, his back to the Captain. "Still, sir, you did forget to introduce me to Rose Tyler. That deserves punishment I think... perhaps decaf for the next week would make you appreciate me more?" He looked over his shoulder at the positively horrified look on Jack's face. Jack was looking so disgusted not only because the prospect of a week without caffeine was unfathomable to him, but also because he had once again been reminded that he had had no coffee all day. Not one sip. He was also slightly shocked, as he firmly recalled introducing Ianto to Rose... Or maybe he'd done it in his head again, assuming that he'd said it out loud. He was noticing himself doing that quite often, and could understand why Ianto had taken it the wrong way.

"I didn't? I was sure I did. I must have been thinking it too hard and not actually said it. Damn, I wanted to use the line about the cute suit again, then I would have had an excuse to grope your bum as we walked by..."

"You forgot."

"I'm sorry." He offered, and for once, Ianto believed him, but he thought he could still come out of this with the upper hand.

"I demand recompense, sir." He smirked, his hands dropping to his belt, which he quickly undid. "Perhaps a good spanking would sort you out?" Jack squeaked. Yes, Ianto thought, it was a squeak. Infinitely more girly than a whimper and quite high pitched. Feeling his victory, Ianto quickly tugged his belt through the loops at his hips, not actually intending to do any spanking, but wishing he had a camera to capture the look of awe and longing on his lover's face. The triumph coursing through his veins soon subsided however, as his trousers fell straight to the floor. He'd forgotten he'd lost weight and now the belt was really needed. He closed his eyes and felt his face go red, too shocked to even contemplate bending to pull them up. Jack, meanwhile, was enjoying this. He'd had an offer of kinky spanking and now Ianto's trousers were on the floor, and he _definitely _approved of the boy's choice of underwear.

Ianto was wearing stockings of charcoal silk, with lacy tops. They were attached to a black suspender belt, beneath which was a pair of black lace French knickers. The black ensemble emphasised the creamy colour of his skin, and Jack licked his lips, desperate to touch the silk. He noted that Ianto was blushing like a virgin schoolgirl, and decided to lighten the mood a little.

"Why Mr. Jones, I wasn't aware that you were a fetish sort of boy. I must say I'm pleasantly surprised." He stalked over to where Ianto still hadn't moved, even to cover himself. "It's alright, your secret's safe with me." He whispered raunchily into Ianto's ear. He was in the process of running his hand down Ianto's chest, and was extremely close to getting a handful of him, when the door clicked open and Tosh bustled in, handing Jack a coffee before she even noticed that Ianto was half naked. Upon seeing this, she turned an even brighter shade of red that Ianto, who opened his eyes, looked up, and yelped, swallowing hard.

"Umm... sorry... Ianto, I didn't mean to... Wow. Where did you get those? They're hot. I've been looking for some good stockings lately; all my ones seem to be getting laddered very quickly."

"Well," Ianto grinned again. "Marks and Spencer's actually." So that was how he'd known the way to the store... Jack coughed and raised the mug to his lips, closing his eyes to savour the bittersweet aroma and taste of his cup of... vomit. Or at least, that was what it tasted like to him. He spat it out, accidently getting it all over Ianto's trousers, which were still pooled at his ankles. Ianto gave him a scathing look. "Thank you."

"But... The coffee!" Jack spluttered. "It's... _instant_!" Ianto's face formed an incredulous expression of disgust.

"Not from my kitchenette it isn't!" He demanded. "Who made it Tosh?"

"Oh. Owen did. Said something about not touching the coffee machine because John and Martha had sex up against it, then made instant coffee." Ianto looked, if it was possible, even more horrified. Forgetting his embarrassment, he kicked off his shoes and trousers, and made his way out into the hub, screaming at the top of his voice.

"OI! PIXIE FACE! YES, I MEAN YOU IN THE PVC. GET OVER HERE NOW AND BEG ME FOR YOUR LIFE!" John swaggered over, taking in Ianto's attire and smirking. The smirk soon left his face, however, as Ianto grabbed him by the ear and dragged him to the kitchenette. "You're going to clean that coffee machine right now, and when you're done, I'm going to inspect it." He commanded in level tones. "If I find ANY evidence that you've been touching it afterwards, I'm going to castrate you. Understood?" John swallowed and nodded.

"Sure thing Eye Candy. Sorry I touched your toy. If I promise to be a good boy, will you yell at me minus the underwear next time? You're hot when you're mad." He grinned as he picked up a cloth and went to soak it in hot water.

"If you promise to be a good boy, I might let you live." Ianto sneered before stalking back into the main hub.

Later, when the coffee machine was sparkling enough to satisfy Ianto's earlier fury, and things had calmed down, Angus left, taking Janet with him. The Doctor reversed the changes Jack had made to the rift manipulator, his TARDIS now fully fuelled, and the danger averted. Ianto had given him a tour of the hub and the archives (since he was the only one who knew the way around down there) and the Doctor had helped himself to a few bits and pieces that hadn't been catalogued yet, which he said might come in handy. Finally, he was ready to leave.

"Right. Nice to see you again, Jack. Rose and I are off for a holiday on Barbados. The planet, of course. I've put the TARDIS' phone number into your mobiles, so if any of you ever need me, just call." He smiled and gave Jack a firm hug. Captain John cleared his throat.

"Umm, Doctor, would you mind dropping Martha and I off in the 51st century, Say 5098? I want to take her home to meet my parents." The Doctor beamed at Martha, who grinned coyly.

"Sure thing. Well, well, well, who'd have thought, Martha Jones the ultimate match for a cavaliering Time Agent. You've got him wrapped around your finger eh?" He winked. "I don't see any problem with that. You'll have to call UNIT and let them know you're not coming back though. Otherwise they'll never let me recommend anyone to them again!" Whilst Martha went to do just that, the Doctor and Rose said their goodbyes.

Rose flung her arms round Jack and whispered something in his ear, which made Ianto distinctly suspicious, especially when Jack glanced at him and grinned in a sinister way. Finally, they broke apart, and after saying goodbye to everyone else, Rose finally reached Ianto. Smiling, she kissed his cheek.

"Ianto, I know we didn't really get to know each other," she said softly, so that only he could hear, "but I want to thank you. It seems someone has finally made Captain Jack Harkness happy, and for that I'm really grateful to you. Plus, anyone who can satisfy that beast has my utmost respect, if you know what I mean." She giggled, and he treated her to a rare smile. Hugging him, she went to stand by the Doctor, Martha and John on the perception filter. Jack pushed some buttons on his wrist thingy and the lift ascended as the four waved a final goodbye. Once they'd disappeared from sight, Jack let out a soft sigh and exclaimed energetically,

"Right, everyone go home. Enough excitement for a while, thank you. See you all in the morning." He hurried Tosh, Gwen and Owen towards the exit. "Ianto, if you wouldn't mind I'd like you to stay and help me clear up." Ianto smirked, so that was what he was calling it these days.

"Of course, sir. I'll go make coffee." He sauntered into the kitchenette, and was halfway through filling the filter with his favourite blend when strong arms circled his waist, Jack's chest pressed up against his back, and a sultry voice whispered in his ear, "Much as I'd love to have amazing hot rampant sex with you right here on this counter, I haven't had a decent coffee all day, so we're going to have to sort that problem out first." Ianto snorted and went about making a cup of coffee whilst Jack did his best to distract him by nuzzling into his neck, leaving little love bites. When Jack found that wasn't working, and decided to use his hands as well, Ianto gave up all hope of making coffee.

"Right, Harkness," He exclaimed, turning round and removing Jack's hands from him. "As I recall, I still haven't punished you for your appalling behaviour earlier." He smiled an evil smile and slowly drew his stopwatch from his pocket. "I'm giving you one minute 20 seconds to be in your office, on your desk, completely naked. Understood?" Jack suddenly found it very hot in the kitchenette, and realised his mouth was dry. He licked his lips, and nodded.

"Yes, Sir." He grinned.

"Good," Ianto smirked at the flustered man before him. "Time starts... Now."


End file.
